To be honest, we all know I take social media way too seriously and I justify it by telling myself it’s how I find my freelance gigs and platforms so many of my passion projects. I’m just rambling here. I know I’m addicted. I know it’s not healthy.
Taking a break from freelancing makes me feel like a failure because I’m not working fast enough for it to become my full-time gig. I see so many “calls for illustrators, designers, or artists” that I want to apply to, but I barely have enough time to keep my personal and professional shit together.
I’m considering making the decision to step away from freelancing so I can illustrate and design for the hell of it again. For F U N !!! Which never happens anymore. I just wanna do fun weird projects again. Like paint cow stools or make bagels. Tbh call me Yorozuya Felix-san 👨🎨 (Dumb reference to Gintama)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful! Lately all of the projects I’ve taken on have been a blast though, and I feel truly humbled to work with such incredible clients. A part of me doesn’t want to miss out on that!!
Anyway, it’s late at night, I’m burnt out, probably depressed, and addicted to anime and manga like a dumb weeb. Who even knows what the point of this post is. To vent? Either way I’m grateful I even have the option to contemplate freelancing as a career.
I’m taking time the day before my birthday to reflect on my growth.
First, it’s incredibly exciting to see my growth as an illustrator and designer. I started illustrating for Coffee at Large only a year ago and to be honest, none of my stuff was good. My illustration work got exponentially better when Seattle went on lockdown. I would sit on me and Abby’s dining table and draw for hours, soooooo late into the night. Thank you Abby for truly, being so supportive. I love and miss you a lot.
Thank you Geetu for giving me the space to grow into a kinder person. I know I’m full of anger and rage, but you give me the space to process my emotions and teach me how to love people in a greater capacity. You’ve literally created a space for, Union Coffee, where I feel safe and can grow as a artist, professional, and especially as a person.
Lastly thank you to my muses, Sky and Mars! You both inspire me to work hard at my practice. Sky, your tenacity and dedication to your work literally inspires me to improve my own skillset. I’ve never thought about creating art for the sake of loving to create, if it weren’t for Mars. Creating because we are artists. What a concept.
So thank you to all of the incredible people who’ve given me the space to grow into the weird ass chaotic person I am today. I’m excited to see how chaotic I am next year!
I feel so icky
The things that once brought me joy, don’t bring me joy anymore.
Sleeping is difficult.
Being with my friends is difficult.
I’m not depressed, I’m not sad, I’m doing okay.
I just feel so empty, and I feel like my existence is pointless.